 Have you ever seen the “footprints” poster like the one here? I’m pretty sure I had one in my room. In fact, I remember it well. There is a poem with it that talks about two sets of footprints, representing yours and God's. Then the person notices only one set of footprints and finds out that is because God was carrying them. Sweet. Really. But is this real? What strikes me funny today about this poster is the picture behind it. The picture with these large caving footprints in the sand that anyone within eyesight can see. While this poster is cute and inspirational, I look into my life, then and now, and think, that's just not how it goes! I visit Galveston often and enjoy walking on the beach in the mornings. A few weeks ago, while on a walk, this poster from my childhood came to mind. I usually walk close to the water, sometimes close enough that my feet get caught up in the water, other times just where the tide stops. And as I walk, I can barely make out my own footprints. I tried! **This was my best attempt**  I stepped a little harder, and a little longer, and still, all I could see was a faint outline of where I had just stepped. I ventured away from the tide in an attempt to find sand that would revel in the impact of my step. Still nothing. But yet, I was still walking. Did the fact that my steps weren't visible in the moments after negate the fact that I had actually taken a step? Not at all!! When we walk with purpose, our steps matter. We, as Christians, find our purpose from the Spirit. My flesh says, "I want to see the impact!", but the Spirit says, "Walk by faith, not by sight." (2 Corinthians 5:7) Scripture is clear that we can not gratify the desires of the flesh and the desires of the Spirit simultaneously. "For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do." Galatians 5:17 "For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God." Romans 8:5-8 We must choose. Flesh or Spirit? Seen or Unseen? Temporary or Eternal? As it talks about in Romans, we must decide how we will "set our minds". "For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace." Now consider how many thoughts you have in a day. How many times your mind wanders off into dangerous territory or carelessness. Setting our minds is not a one and done deal. It is an all the time thing. It is a discipline we must practice.
The result is beautiful. As we set our minds on the Spirit, we walk with greater purpose, confidence, and joy, regardless of our circumstances. We no longer search for our footprint in the sand, and instead choose to keep walking. I find myself constantly looking for my footprints. The big, bold footprint for all to see. And I firmly believe it is God's grace that has kept me from seeing them. Perhaps His constant reminder that this is not my home. His grace acting as a tender nudge that I am to walk by faith and not by sight. So I pray for more faith. And then, I keep walking. Friend, His grace is sufficient for you. (2 Corinthians 12:9) No matter where I walk on the beach, eventually the water will rise and wash away any evidence of my steps. My hope is this; as I walk in the Spirit, nothing can wash away the steps I make toward Jesus. The world is constantly telling us to "show out". Make a statement. Be great. The Spirit only asks that we "show up". Rest in that today. Keep walking and keep growing.
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 A little over 4 weeks ago, I heard about a workout program called the Summer Shred through an online community I am a part of called E3. Having been working out consistently 3 days a week since around November, with no results, I knew I needed to try something different. The program was something like $12, so I bought it, not really knowing what I was in for. After finding out what I had in fact paid for, I got really nervous. The program involved a lot of lifting actual barbells and way too much rowing for my liking. Beyond the barbells, it also called for pull ups once a week. I can't do a pull up! Thankfully, I convinced a friend/co-worker to do it with me. This helped me get over the fear and try it anyway. As part of the program, we were strongly encouraged to take before pictures and take measurements. I didn't want to do either. What happens if in 4 weeks nothing changed? My thought process; that could happen, which means I would have failed, which means I probably just shouldn't try. Terrible, I know, but this is somewhat normal for those of us who identify as Enneagram 1's. We are labeled the perfectionist or sometimes the reformer. If it's not right, we want it fixed. If it's not perfect, what's the point. I have struggled with maintaining a healthy lifestyle all of my adult life. I have tried so many different things but never something that would be a quick fix. What inevitably happens is one of 2 things: 1. I work really hard, see results, think I probably can't do any better so I stop 2. I work really hard, see no results, quit because what's the point No more! Even saying that is pretty risky because the reality is, I will probably screw up again. And that's ok. Here is what I am learning in all of this: PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION The funniest thing is that I am usually pretty quick to celebrate progress in those around me even though it has not achieved perfection. But in myself, progress is weak, perfection is necessary. It makes no sense, therefore I am leaving that behind and practicing celebrating myself just as I would celebrate with one of my friends. I recently listened to a podcast from Annie F. Downs where she interviewed two people who identify as Enneagram 1's and that is when I realized this idea of progress not perfection. No coincidence that it was the night before I had to take my after picture and take my after measurements. I wasn't even sure I would do it. But I did. And while I still don't love the picture, progress was most definitely made! Every number went down and the evidence was clear in the pictures. I wish I could say I jumped up and down with excitement, but I didn't. I still didn't feel like I could celebrate. The picture was still bad. Something I wasn't proud to show anybody. But as time went on, I remembered what I had heard in the podcast. It's about PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION. I wish I could say fitness is the only place I struggle with believing that motto. It is not much different from my spiritual journey. Sanctification is a fancy word for the journey God takes us on when we trust Him with our lives (justification). This journey is meant to make us more like Jesus prior to being glorified and reunited with Him. And we will not reach the end of sanctification on this side of Heaven. So if I live to the average life expectancy of 78.69 years, it will be a long while before perfection. And if that is true, living disappointed in the lack of perfection instead of celebrating progress would lead to a pretty depressing life. And I ain't about that! So whatever it takes, I'm doing it. This may include vulnerability with my community. It may mean memorizing new scripture. It may mean saying no to things that pull me away from fellowship with Jesus. For you, it could be something different. Are you willing to do what it takes? I think you are. I know He will. So what now? First, summer shred doesn't stop. I have committed to celebrating progress and continuing on. It will continue to be difficult to fight against the fear of failure, but that is just what I will do. Fight. Secondly, I will continue to fight for my faith. My journey with Christ is very much like my fitness journey. It's a long road which will include many unexpected turns and detours. I may even get turned around at times, losing ground along the way. Yet God, in His great mercy, will never lose sight of me or fail to walk with me. Even better than that, He is glorified in my weakness. "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 I loved what one of the interviewees said in the podcast: "My pursuit is not perfection, it's Jesus. And when I pursue Jesus, progress happens." This is what I want my life to be about. So if you are anything like me, remember that while you are advocating for others, Christ has already advocated for you. It is finished. You just need to keep on walking. And while you walk, you will keep on growing. Much love friends. 
I tried to be very obedient as a child. I wanted to do the right thing and wanted to do whatever it was that would please my parents. This worked out for me at times and not at others. I would often think I was obeying when really I was doing what I thought was just enough to make it seem like I had obeyed. Like when my mom would tell me to clean my room and bring the dirty clothes to the laundry room. So I picked up what was on the floor, threw what I could in my closet, perhaps slipped some things under the bed and then made a pile of dirty clothes on the floor. When questioned I might have answered something like, "Well I knew I would have more dirty clothes so I just figured I would wait." We don't get to add our own conditions when we think we know better. Thankfully, we serve a God who is perfect and unchanging. We can trust that what He has asked of us is exactly what we need to do, for our good and His glory. My motive for obedience was not usually pure and I know that I struggle with this in my relationship with God as well. I want blessings and multiple positive affirmations to follow my obedience and that is not usually the case. At least not immediately. So then the question becomes, do I still strive for obedience or do I go my own way? I have lived enough life (and read enough scripture) to know that obedience will always be better than whatever scheme or plan I can write up. The next question may be, what does obedience look like? That is a hard question to answer because it is different for everyone. The one thing that is the same is that in order to be obedient we must listen. Obedient children listen to their parents. Obedient students listen to their teachers. Obedient Christians listen to God. God speaks in many different ways and if you are new to listening to God, I would suggest you start with reading scripture. One of my favorite stories of obedience in the bible comes from Genesis with the story of Abraham and his dear son, Isaac. Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was born. God had promised Abraham regarding Isaac and almost as soon as the promise is fulfilled, God tells Abraham to go up to the mountain to sacrifice his son. Abraham's obedience is astounding. His obedience is immediate. "So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him." Genesis 22:3 The next verse reveals some even greater obedience in my opinion. "On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar." Genesis 22:4 THREE DAYS! Abraham journeyed three days with his son and his servants and never turned back. I don't know about you but I'm not so sure I wouldn't have turned around halfway through this journey. Or at least stopped for a day to pray and be sure this is really what God said. Abraham had such faith in God to believe that this trip was worth it. And we see his faith in the next verse as well. "Then Abraham said to his young men, “Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy will go over there and worship and come again to you." Genesis 22:5 Abraham did not know how, but trusted and believed that somehow God would allow he AND Isaac to return. And God did just that. He provides a ram for Abraham to sacrifice instead of his son. Have you ever followed in obedience with no idea what that might even look like a few steps down the road? Obedience doesn't always mean we have a 3 year plan to follow. It means saying yes to God. Period. You may not have immediate answers or explanations to tell your friends. God's not concerned with how you will explain yourself to the world. Abraham had to answer to his son when he pressed him with the question of "Ugh, dad, this is kind of weird but you don't actually have anything to sacrifice." (my paraphrase) Abraham didn't have a very clear answer except to say "God will provide". This says, God I trust you beyond a shadow of a doubt. It speaks to Abraham's faith regardless of the circumstances or uncertainties. We read this and can trust that God will provide for us when we act in obedience. If obedience means saying yes to something your budget currently can't support, God will provide. If obedience means filling your schedule so much that there is no margin, God will provide. What a beautiful picture of obedience we have to follow. In 1 Samuel 15, Saul is told by God through Samuel to destroy Amalek, all of it, leaving nothing untouched. But when they went, they "spared Agag and the best of the sheep and of the oxen and of the fattened calves and the lambs and all that was good, and would not utterly destroy them." 1 Samuel 15:9 Saul legitimately thought he did what the Lord asked, and was obedient. "I have obeyed the voice of the Lord." 1 Samuel 15:20 This may be hard to swallow, but 99% obedience is just a feel good way of being disobedient (ouch). He then blames the people for not destroying the livestock, claiming they were going to sacrifice these to the Lord. (1 Samuel 15:21) Samuel reminds him that God is not concerned with our sacrifices but instead our obedience.  See, obedience is about relationship. God wants relationship with us and part of that is our obedience to Him. Saul repents and recognizes that the reason for his disobedience was "because I feared the people and obeyed their voice." 1 Samuel 15:24
Who are you obeying? Who do you fear? Obedience is better than sacrifice, but obedience may require sacrifice. Obedience may mean that you look a little crazy to the world. In Genesis, God told Noah to build a giant ark while the sun was shining and there were blue skies. He probably looked a little crazy to those watching. The craziest part to me isn't that he built the ark, but that he and his family lived in the ark for SEVEN days while it wasn't raining. Regardless of what others thought, "Noah did this, he did all that God commanded him." Genesis 6:22 Noah feared the Lord, not the people. His belief in God was strong enough to know that God could be taken at His word. Both to save Noah and his family, while also destroying the rest of the world. With all of the media we are pounded with daily, people have noticed that it is good to take a break from this every once in a while. It is now more common for people to take time away from apps like Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter in order to clear their heads or maybe just get some time back. Though you may hear of this more often, this is countercultural. Some do this because they just can't take the comparison battle they fight every time they log in, but others do it out of obedience to the Lord. This might look a little crazy to the world. This is an example that may be more visible to others, but I think that one of the hardest parts about obedience is that most times, no one has any clue you are being obedient except for God himself. Obedience requires humility. "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you." 1 Peter 5:6 My final encouragement to you is that you don't confuse obedience with compliance or conformity. Compliance can be defined as behavior influenced by peers, and conformity can be defined as behavior intended to match the majority. We know from Romans 12:2 that we are not to conform to the world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. The only way to be obedient is to listen to the one you want to show obedience. Your friends and family can't tell you how God has asked you to be obedient. Only God can speak to this. Will you listen? Will you respond? I hope that you will consider your journey with the Lord and how He has asked you to be obedient today. Maybe your next step needs to be time alone (truly alone, without distractions) with God seeking to listen for his voice. It may be that you need to say yes to what you know God has spoken in your life. Or it could be that you need to stay faithful in obedience regardless of how hard the journey may feel or unclear it may seem. Wherever you are, know that God honors obedience and asks it of you so that you may be sanctified and blessed. Thanks for reading and remember, never stop growing. **UPDATE** I started this blog because I enjoy writing and it helps me process and learn. I also think that God has given me a voice and I want a place to share that voice to a greater crowd. Writing for this blog is never easy. Most times, I think it's stupid because no one reads them anyway. A few weeks ago one of my friends who is also in my life bible study class at church shared with me that she read one of my posts and God used it. She affirmed me in my writing and told me, "Keep doing it. Keep being obedient." And so I did, I wrote on obedience! Ha. As I was writing this post I used my preparations to share with the teachers at my school during our weekly devotional time. The devotion was only 10 minutes long and did not require the lengthy preparations I had made, but I thought it would be good to write a post about it as well so my study was more in depth. The devotion went great and the feedback was positive. I was a little sad that I was only able to share a portion of what I had learned. Then I finished this post and sent it out to the girls in my class hoping they might benefit from it. And then Sunday happened. We were standing around waiting for our bible study to start and our teacher had yet to show up. The director started to panic and asked a few leaders if they had something they could teach. I spoke up (shocker) and said sure! Let's face it, I always have something to say. But in reality, I was so confident because I was so convinced that our teacher would eventually show up and I wouldn't be needed anyway. That never happened. So as time kept turning, I started fumbling through my notes trying to figure out what I would say. I thought I might share what I had learned in a previous bible study, but the notes were no where to be found. Notes I might add that I had just taken on Wednesday. So as I'm flipping through my journal I see my notes on obedience. Duh! Of course this is what I will teach. I have pages of notes, in unruly order, and scripture to back it up. Wow. Look at God. I couldn't believe it, but then, yes I could, because God. He was preparing me for this. If I would not have been obedient in writing this post, my opportunity to teach would have either been a disaster or non-existent. I loved teaching my class and am so thankful God allowed me to do that. I tell you that testimony to help you see that God doesn't make empty promises. Will you trust Him even with something small today, or tomorrow, and pray for eyes to see it? I'm believing He will do it.  I took down my Christmas decorations and tree today, and it got me thinking about where most of our life is spent. The hype for Christmas is real and long. If you read my last post, you know I had a hard time getting into the hype, but most of the country did not. And then, just like that, Christmas is over and we are preparing to ring in a new year. So as much as we look forward to different seasons, we are quickly reminded it's not where we spend most of our lives. Our lives are lived in the plains and not the hills and valleys. As a Texan, I can tell you that the plains can be pretty boring. We go to the valley to retreat or rest. We go to the hill or mountain top to celebrate and rejoice. But these are not the places we spend most of our lives. Most of our lives are spent on a journey through the plains. A walk on flatland with not much around to look at. But I think this is where faithfulness grows. In the plains is where trusting God is imperative. We will never reach the hill or the valley without walking through the plains. We encounter people on this journey through the plains, and God has purpose in that. We go through routines in the plains. These routines that seem meaningless and/or mundane, yes even these have a purpose, if only we will ask God what it is. In the plains is where we rejoice in hope. "Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God." Romans 5:2 It is in the plains that we demonstrate our faith as we hope for the glory of God to be revealed, and yet, not yet. Those that we pass in the plains need to see this hope in us. A real hope demonstrated, because they are longing for the same hope. What if you were to never reach the mountain top here on earth, but only in heaven? Is your hope still real? Is the struggle still worth it? Yes. Always yes. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18 Some people will experience the mountain top multiple times on earth, others perhaps never. This is not what we hope for. What we hope for is eternal, the unseen. "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2 My encouragement to you today is to find your hope again, or maybe for the first time. Don't hope in the "thing" that is your earthly mountain top. That will fade and eventually you will be back to the journey in the plains. The real hope is in Jesus and the eternal life that he freely gives, should you decided to accept it.
Though our journey changes, He never does. (Hebrews 13:8) When you realize this hope, you will journey in the plains with a new vision. The miles may still feel long, but with a restored hope you will journey with more purpose. You will see grace all around you. And when you experience this real hope and unending grace, you will share it with those on the journey with you. You proclaim it even when you don't feel it, and then watch as God makes it so. I need this message more and more each day and hope it gives you the encouragement you need to keep moving, and never stop growing. Advent is here. The arrival of Jesus' birth. We wait in expectation of what is to come. Jesus has already been born and died and then raised again, but He's coming back. The days between Thanksgiving and Christmas seem to come quick and go by fast. For many they are filled with booked calendars and endless to do's. I don't think that's the kind of life Jesus was talking about when He mentioned giving us life to the full as counter to the enemy's plan in John 10:10. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10 This time of year is a good time for us to take a step back and consider our pursuits as well as our priorities. Do they line up with what Jesus has called me to? Does my life reflect God's glory? When we answer these questions honestly we may realize we want to move into the New Year differently. Enter New Year's resolutions. What if we had these times of reflection throughout the year? How would our lives look different? What keeps us from taking time to reflect and be still more often? Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and has been for a long time. My parents have hosted it for as long as I can remember for both sides of my family, all together. I learned a lot about hospitality through watching and helping my family through the years. This year as I was driving to my parents on Thanksgiving, I couldn't help but smile at how deserted the roads and many stores were on my way. The hustle and bustle had all stopped and the thought of so many people spending time with their people brought me great joy. It was a special place in time when no one was competing for the front spot at the grocery store or the last item off the shelf. People were present where they were, not afraid of what they might be missing out on. This I believe is what Jesus meant when He promised us life to the full. And I know this moment was short lived as many stores now open in the afternoon on Thanksgiving, but yet there was still a moment. I have been challenged lately to create more of these moments for myself even when the world around me isn't in agreement. God can handle me taking a rest and refreshing my soul even when the to do list is still full. Is it possible that I can be of greater use to Him when I do take the time to rest and reflect? This Advent season is the perfect time to make that a reality. Get in the word. Pour out your heart to the Lord. Remember what your purpose is, or perhaps find it for the first time. As you write your lists and do your shopping, I hope you will remember that the greatest gift is in fact God sending His son Jesus for you and for me. And beyond that, we have received many other gifts from whom every good gift comes. "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17 If you are looking for an Advent devotional, I would highly recommend "Our Gift-giving God" by my good friend Andrea Kim (available on Amazon here). It is sure to remind you of God's great gifts and call you to greater things as you receive them again and again. Hope your Christmas is wonderful and as always, never stop growing. Regan  Seasons are great because they come at just the right time to remind us that things won't always be this way. It won't always be blistering hot in Texas (but yes, more often than not). It won't always be unbearably cold in Wyoming. Seasons will come and they will go, in some places faster or more frequent than others. Perhaps this is God's sweet reminder to us that it won't always be like this. We live in a fallen world with fallen people. But this isn't home forever if you are a believer in Jesus. Someday we will leave this place and be in the presence of the Lord. And on that day there will be great songs of Praise. We we hope for this day while we fulfill our calling now. We see this tension in Romans 8.  Did you hear that... FREEDOM! But don't you feel more burdened than free sometimes? I know I do. It's a fight people. Just as our troops fight for our freedom, we also must fight for our own freedom. Freedom of the heart. Freedom from the rule of sin in our lives. Ephesians 6 will explain how to fight if that's something you need today. Read it. Believe it. Do it. We know that true freedom comes in the end, while we remain here fighting for our freedom now.  Romans 8:18 - 23
" For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." We suffer well because of our hope. We press on because of the power within us from the Holy Spirit. On days when you feel like you failed or just didn't quite meet the mark set before you, remember this. If you are a believer in Christ Jesus then you "are more than a conqueror through Him who loved you." Romans 8:37 And this promise we cling to: "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38 - 39 So as you do all the "fall" things in celebration of cooler weather, remember God is making all things new and preparing the greatest celebration. Continue to hope. And always keep growing. Because the church needs us.
The story of the woman at the well encountering Jesus in John 4 has come up more than once in the past few months in my life. There is so much we can learn from this account. The thing that I have held on to the most is the power of the woman's testimony. Many people are familiar with the story of the woman at the well and in particular Jesus calling her out on having multiple husbands which is the reason for her being there at noon when it is blistering hot (something Houston understands all too well). But the way the story ends is what is so compelling to me. "So the woman left her water jar and went away into town and said to the people, 'Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did. Can this be the Christ?' They went out of the town and were coming to him." John 4:28 - 30 The relationship she now had with Jesus left her changed. The relationship had an effect. She couldn't help but go tell the people of her town, which is actually kind of miraculous considering she had been previously living in so much shame (again, reason for her going to draw water in the blistering heat). Meanwhile, Jesus' disciples come back from going to eat and bless their hearts, they just don't get it. They are trying to get Jesus to eat something and He explains that He has food they don't know about. So now they are confused. Who brought Him food? Was it better than what we ate?!?! (my interpretation) He clears the air... "My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work." John 4:34 Jesus understands the mission and is trying to get the disciples on the same page. I love Jesus' patience with them because I know that I need the same patience and usually more. He goes on to explain to them that both sowing and reaping are happening. There is reaping to be done as a result of what others have sowed and there is also more sowing to do. "Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest." John 4:35 So then we see again, the impact of the woman's testimony. "Many Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, 'He told me all that I ever did.'" John 4:39 The next verse is where I see the application for myself today. "So when the Samaritans came to him, they asked him to stay with them, and he stayed there two days." John 4:40 Jesus clearly understood that relationships matter. He understood that while some believed simply on the word of the woman's testimony, others would need a little more time. And what do we see happens... "And many more believed because of his word." John 4:41 Is this not the great commission? That all would come to know Jesus and have a relationship with Him? We have Jesus as an example to follow and this story is no different. What do we have to learn from Jesus in this story:
Jesus did not need the Samaritans. He's Jesus. But this wasn't about Him and as followers of Jesus it's not about us. We may feel like we don't need the church because we already know Jesus and have a community, but there are so many people who need the church so that they can know Jesus personally just as we do. It is important that we share our story with others so that they might believe. It is also important that we show up for those that will come to hear for themselves and then believe. A few weeks ago in my life bible study class at church I met a couple that was coming to visit our class for the first time. I talked to them for a while and explained the set up of the different classes and encouraged them to try another class to see where they would fit best. They sat at my table during class and later that week I reached out to the girl to tell her I was glad she came. She found me at church this Sunday to tell me that she had indeed tried another class and that she would be coming back to our class. Her words, "It just makes sense considering the relationships I made." Wow. I love this and am so thankful I was there for God to use me in that moment. We need the church you see, because relationships matter. When you feel like it won't matter or you're just too tired, remember Jesus' example and choose to be obedient and in return be blessed. I grew up going to church regularly and loved God ever since I can remember. Much of what I remember from my time at church was that there were a lot of rules I needed to follow if I wanted to be "cool" with God. So out of my love for Him, I tried to follow all the rules, all the time. As you might suspect, I failed. I wouldn't say miserably, but still, I missed the mark often. When I couldn't reach perfection I would beat myself up and try harder the next time. This cycle continued and was never fulfilling. When I was in 8th grade, I went to a camp and heard the gospel and was so relieved to know that I could never reach perfection, but Jesus did, and He wanted to do that for ME. This began my journey of really walking with the Lord. This journey was not easy. I was tested many times in high school and learned how to defend my faith pretty quickly. These trials were so minor looking back. My life was good. I grew up in a great home and had all that I needed. I hardly experienced hardship except for the occasional college struggle. Until August 2014.
First came the news that my brother had depression. Depression that almost took his life. I had no idea how to handle it. I was at a new job, which was very stressful at the time. Life suddenly became very hard. However, I did what I had taught myself to do. Suck it up and be strong. I felt guilty for not having a better relationship with my brother and about not knowing how to help him now. It ate at me inside but I had no idea how to deal with the issue because I didn't feel like it was my issue. I shouldn't be the one having trouble. So I shoved everything aside. Slowly he began to get better and we could see a light. Meanwhile work just got worse. I was thrown into a position that I could in no way prepare for and felt like a failure daily. It was a constant source of anxiety and frustration. Yet, I was to be strong. I thought that if I just spent more time with Jesus the problems would go away. They didn't. Nothing seemed to work. In the past, time with Jesus and prayer had worked, but this seemed different. Not soon after that trial I found out that my grandmother had terminal lung cancer. Terminal. It's just so devastating. And again I stuck to my mantra: stay strong. In July of 2015 was when I finally had my moment. I was with my family at our new ranch in Hearne and had a panic attack over some Mexican food. It was ridiculous. But it was real. I had no idea what was wrong with me and neither did anyone in my family. I felt stupid. Weak. Defeated. I remember reading in the Psalms before I went to bed that night. Not really processing what I was reading but just doing so because I knew I should. And it was all I knew to do. That Monday I went to my doctor and she offered me anxiety medicine. I was so against the medicine. Nothing was wrong with me. I was just having a hard time and needed to push through it. False. Through the insistence of my mother, I requested the medicine. And then came the talk of "therapy". Oh no. Not me. Therapy is for crazy people. I'm not crazy. What would I have to say to a therapist anyway? But God. I emailed someone at the counseling center at my church that night. Oh so hesitantly. I knew that I had to send an email because I was never going to call. I made an appointment for two days later. The days before I went I was nervous, anxious, even mad that I was actually doing this. But I went, and when I did I realized how much help I did need. In just the past 11 months I had faced so much hardship and hadn't processed any of it. I didn't make time to really assess how I was doing. My counselor just listened and handed me tissue. I went back for many more sessions after that and learned how to deal with the anxiety I was facing. I learned that I did need help and it was OK. I learned ways to fight the battles in my mind and distinguish truth from lie. I also came to the realization that after having followed Jesus since my freshman year of high school I thought that I could push the cruise button on life and take my foot off the gas. I believe these experiences were God's sweet (and yes hard) way of showing me that His desire for me is to keep growing. He has so much more that He wants me to experience. His purpose for my life is not yet fulfilled. Not until He comes back or takes me home. I am so thankful for this. God's not done with me and He's not done with you. Stay faithful and keep going. "He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:2-3 |
Regan RayI have a lot of thoughts so I decided to put them all here. Archives
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