All the blogs I didn't write

Well, life has been pretty quiet since the last time I wrote here (Jan 2020).

HA!

We all know that is the farthest thing from the truth. Most of us are ready for 2020 to see it's way out. Let's be careful not to put our hope in 2021, a vaccine, or some other worldly means to end our trouble. Let's put our hope in Jesus. We can be confident in that hope. These other things, if you haven't learned yet, are pretty worthless things to put your hope in. They lead to disappointment, distress, and discouragement.

Many teachers in Texas return to full time work tomorrow. As I think about what this means for me, I considered writing solely about this new journey. But then I realized I wouldn't be giving you the real story. I could very easily write about how this year is going to be hard, but it is going to be good and we can do it. And while I believe that to be true, if I only bring you upbeat and positive words, I am not being truthful about this "growing in all things" journey I am on.

When we first started teaching online in the spring, I was loving it! The commute, the attire, the snacks! What a dream! Besides home internet woes, life was good. I was cautious, but not overly fearful. The highlight of my week was usually a trip to Kroger. 

And then quarantine took on the persona of the energizer bunny and just kept going, and going, and going...

I tried to stay upbeat and positive but the media and online fatigue was starting to wear on me. Online school bled into summer but I still struggled to find rest for my weariness. I kept telling myself "unprecedented times" to help me cope. And while that helped me in moments, it wasn't addressing my deeper emotional needs and struggles. My biggest fear was having COVID19 and then getting others sick (not too concerned with my own health). All I knew to do was just keep going. And then one day I woke up with a really bad headache.

I was sure it was allergies but that fear of the virus just swirled in my head. For about 4 days I took allergy medicine and tried to ward it off. I remember having low energy also. I needed to get better because I was headed to Alabama for a week at the beach in a few days! I did start feeling a little better but just as my physical body started to improve, my mental state declined. On the morning of my planned road trip with friends to Alabama, I had what I now understand to be a mild panic attack. I couldn't do it. I stayed home while my friends went on. I knew I made the right decision but it was still hard to sit with all week. So my emotional health just continued to decline. I didn't have energy to do anything. I moved from my couch to my bed throughout the day scrolling my phone or bingeing Netflix. The fear that I had COVID19 and might have transmitted it was rising. Test appointments were booking 3 days out and spots were filling up fast. I never got tested. 

I had another panic attack. This one much worse. 

I have an incredible tribe of both family and friends and by the grace of God I was able to reach out to them and so many were there to support me in that time.

Unfortunately, after recovering from the panic attack, things didn't get better. I ended up in the emergency room the next day with stomach pain that I had been enduring since the attack. While I was fearful of many things, at this point I knew I needed respite from the anxiety that had overtaken me. I tried so many things and it just wouldn't give.

The next week was really hard. I needed a lot of support and am so thankful (again) for my tribe, because they were there. 

With the help of my tribe, counseling, medicine, and Jesus, I am in a much better place as I am about to begin another school year, like none before.

I have not arrived, and I am good with that now. 

I am on a journey. You are on a journey. There are hills, and valleys, and flat roads on this journey. The best thing I have learned recently is to continually reflect on where I am in the journey and how that is making me feel. Too often, I am racing up the hills, flying down the valleys, and cruising the flat roads. Now more than ever, I just want to be present. I want to recognize every step I take, both the painful and the joyous. Not sure if you've every climbed a mountain or even a steep hill, but turns out racing up to the top might be exhilarating in the moment only to leave you exhausted at the top. And if you've ever rolled down a hill or skied down a mountain too quickly, you know how poorly that can end.

So today, perhaps you need to just be present in the moment. In the step of today. When you feel yourself moving too quickly, stop, take a break and remember to savor each step. 

If this is hard for you (as it is for me), the best advice I can give you is to talk to someone. Find a counselor. Seek out a precious member of your tribe. Don't miss an opportunity to be a more healthy you. You are worth it.

You can do hard things, but remember to savor even the hard things so that you don't miss an opportunity to grow.

Be kind to yourself.
Give grace to others.
Never stop growing.

Much love,
​Regan

P.S. I gave blood a few weeks ago and my antibody test came back positive. Perhaps it wasn't allergies... 
P.P.S. By the grace of God I was able to travel to Boise in July to see good friends and escape the Texas heat. Even in valleys there can be reasons to celebrate.