July 11th, 2021

Many times in the Bible God calls us to remember. We all have different ways of doing that and some do it better than others. We remember through pictures, social media posts, journaling, and sometimes tattoos. One way I remember is by marking milestones or significant events in my calendar to repeat each year. We do this with birthdays, but why not with other God moments? 


Today I remember my first panic attack (of which I did not know was a panic attack at the time….I lost it over some Mexican food 🤷🏽‍♀️). But it’s not so much that I remember and celebrate the panic attack that day, but instead the goodness of God in that moment and from then on. Since then I have been on a journey of healing and living. I purposefully say living because while at times the journey has been very difficult, I’m still here and God still has great purpose for me. 


I think I am FINALLY learning that there is not a quick fix for ANYTHING in life. The hurt can’t be stuffed, it will resurface. The weight might fall, but it will come back. The clamp will plug the leak temporarily, but eventually the pipe will need to be replaced. And don’t we find that when the hurt resurfaces, the weight comes back, or the clamp gives way, it comes back stronger??


Our fast paced society wants us to move along! Make it happen and do it quickly please! But I know that’s not how God created us. He commands us to rest but do we even know what that looks like?? 


When I think back on that first panic attack in 2015, I can promise you I expected to be fixed in time for school to start in August. And I think in some ways I thought I was. I couldn’t have imagined having more panic attacks years later (thanks COVID) or still feeling like I’m on a roller coaster that doesn’t seem to have an end. But God knew, and God cares, and God was present. He was present in counseling and while I am on medicine and among my support system. 


I think about the miles Jesus walked during his ministry. Do we know how many that might have been??? It had to be a LOT. Anyway, Jesus was always about the journey, never the destination. He was present in the going and with His help I am trying to learn that as well. 


Mark 5:21-43
In this passage of scripture, a man approaches Jesus and begs him to come and heal his daughter who is very sick. So Jesus went. But along the way, there was another woman who needed healing, and knowing the power of Jesus, found a way to touch his cloak in hopes of being healed. 
When the woman grabbed Jesus’ cloak (Mark 5:28), he didn’t swat her away as if he was bothered. He cared for her. 


The family of the girl who they told Jesus about was now distraught because Jesus was late and as a result the girl had died. 
Except Jesus wasn’t late, He just wasn’t there yet. His investment in the journey did not mean He missed it. It just meant it wasn’t the way the people expected it to be. When you read this passage you see so many more lives impacted beyond the one girl who was sick. This is because Jesus is about the journey. 


When things seem to be tugging on me, I’m learning to recognize them and address them, even if it means I’m a little late to where I was headed. I’m learning that it isn’t always about where I am headed but instead about how I might get there. 


It has taken Jesus + Counseling + Medication + Solid support system + Spiritual rest + Numerous books + Exercise to get me where I am today. Still on a journey, living the fullest life. 


I literally had a panic attack a month ago, but it doesn’t define me and it doesn’t mean I failed (though that was the lie the enemy wanted me to believe). It means I’m human and I’m broken and I can’t do this alone. 


I am so thankful that Jesus would be willing to stop on his journey and heal me. He is willing to do the same for you, you need only believe.


God is so good. 
He is so faithful.
His grace abounds.
Because of this, we never stop growing.